Funny Christmas memos

Discussion in 'The Smoking Lounge' started by MakDragon, Dec 20, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. MakDragon

    MakDragon Wizard of PSF

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    10,346
    Company Memo:
    C

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 1, 2008
    RE: Gala Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
    Merry Christmas to you and your family,
    Patty

    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 2, 2008
    RE: Gala Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
    Happy now?
    Happy Holidays to you and your family,
    Patty

    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 3, 2008
    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

    Somebody?
    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
    REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    To: All Employees
    DATE: October 4, 2008
    RE: GenericHoliday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
    Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
    To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
    We will have booster seats for short people.
    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
    There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?!?!?

    Patty

    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All *%^&% Employees
    DATE: October 5, 2008
    RE: The &*%^*# Holiday Party

    I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
    The rest of you wierdos can kiss my butt. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
    Drive drunk and die,
    The B*tch from H*ll!!!

    Company Memo
    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: October 6, 2008
    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
    In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
    Happy Holidays!
    Joan
     
  2. Arkie

    Arkie Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2011
    Messages:
    4,771
    Well, I'm native American Indian and I'm offended there were no special provisions made for me.
     
    SouthBound and MakDragon like this.
  3. Smokey Tom

    Smokey Tom Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2012
    Messages:
    3,378
    Perhaps they had some reservations about that...
     
    StubrnDutchman, Imrandy and zirrow like this.
  4. MakDragon

    MakDragon Wizard of PSF

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    10,346
    :shead:
     
  5. gunslinger84

    gunslinger84 Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2012
    Messages:
    537
    Alright, I had soda coming out my nose... This reminded me of my supervisor when he puts out the next weeks work schedule.

    Gunslinger,
     
  6. Rockabilly J

    Rockabilly J Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2012
    Messages:
    165
    This is epic. I'm sure my giggling just now was a little unprofessional.
     
  7. Arkie

    Arkie Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2011
    Messages:
    4,771
    I just might go on warpath. However, I've been accused of not knowing a head from an arse so some of the scalps I take might look peculiar.
     
    Preacher1611 and Smokey Tom like this.
  8. Stormy

    Stormy Resident Rain Maker

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2012
    Messages:
    6,168
    And probably in some cases Arkie, have more hair on them.:eek:
     
  9. Smokey Tom

    Smokey Tom Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2012
    Messages:
    3,378
    And brains in them. :byg:
     
  10. MakDragon

    MakDragon Wizard of PSF

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    10,346
    Dont forget to wear a wool hat to keep your "Wig Wam":whis:
     
  11. Smokey Tom

    Smokey Tom Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2012
    Messages:
    3,378
    My turn to :shead:


    :popc:
     
  12. MakDragon

    MakDragon Wizard of PSF

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    10,346
    Actually, the other night I dreamt I was a wig wam, then I had the same dream the next night...... Guess I'm just too tents......
     
  13. dmkerr

    dmkerr PG- free since '83! Moderator

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2011
    Messages:
    16,867
    Just point me to the smoking table!
     
  14. Smokey Tom

    Smokey Tom Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2012
    Messages:
    3,378
    *points to a table on fire*
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.