The Reverse Snork (Queue Heavenly Music)

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Dungmaggot

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#1
Yesterday, while sitting on my front porch enjoying an evening of peaceful pipe smoking, I started concentrating on refining my snork. I got it down pretty good too. At one point I sort of hiccuped and managed a sort of reverse snork where I drew the smoke from my sinus cavity back to my mouth.

I was enthralled!!!

If I could do this on accident surely I could do it on purpose, right? So I started trying. I ended up swallowing a lot of smoke which inched its way to the top of my "Extremely Unpleasant Things I've Done to Myself" list but after about twenty minutes of trying I finally replicated The Reverse Snork.

Oh Joy!

A little more trying and I could do it on command any time I wanted. My wife saw what I was doing and rolled her eyes and stated "you know you're sucking little flecks of snot back into your mouth, right?"

Pfff, women.

Don't they understand how cool this is? I'm starting a new trend. All the famous people are going to do this now. I'll be known world wide. This will soon be called The Dung Method.

About this point I decided I was going to get tricky (read: cocky) and see how many times in a row I could pass smoke back and forth from my mouth to my sinus. Now please note that I was about four 20oz bottles of homebrew into my evening so the portion of my brain that controls reasonable thought had long since called it a night. So I gave it a try and did three passes.

Three isn't bad, right? But lets really go for the gold metal of stupidity here and push it to the max. (The max being when I either can't do it any more or I pass out from hypoxia...) I gave it a try and....

1...

2...

3...

4... A new world record folks!

5...

6...

7... He's on fire ladies and gentlemen!

8...

9...

Nine will forever be the record for the Reverse Snork because what happened next will certainly ruin any chance of anyone trying to duplicate me.

See, tobacco smoke is an irritant and sinus cavities, well they don't like being irritated. Mine had been subtly trying to clue me into this fact for quite a while but the two bouncers outside my door to reason, Stout and Porter, wouldn't let the little fella in so angrily he stormed off and decided to make his point in another less pleasant fashion.

I sneezed.

Now this wasn't an ordinary sneeze. Imagine a dragon spewing fire and smoke out of his nose frying some little goon on horseback. Now imagine that the dragon is a 30 year old male sitting on his porch with a pipe in his hand and the fire is blood.

As my nose poured blood out of both barrels, Stout and Porter took a pee break and that point that had been trying to drive its way home finally got through. Desperately I searched for anything to stop the flow but front porches aren't well known for harboring soft absorbant materials.

I'm not sure but I think it was Stout that looked up from his urinal and shouted "Use your sock dummy."

Good call buddy! Good old Stout, always comes through in a pinc....damn this sock is gross. Oh well.

I emptied my bowl into the flowers and made my way inside the house. My darling wife was seated on the sofa and looked up at me and in a voice as sweet as honey said:

"Jesus :luv:ing Christ, what happened to you? If you get blood on the carpet that pipe is going right up your ass."

My wife, she always knows just what to say.

I made my way into the bathroom and managed to get the blood to stop flowing. I cleaned myself up and made my way back to the living room. I explained to my wife just what I had been doing to cause my recent condition. She listened very patiently and when I was done looked me square in the eye and said, "You know, for someone with as much education as you have, you sure to act like a moron sometimes."

With this she kissed me on my forehead and went to bed.
 

nobler son

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#5
:XD: I might've stayed out on the porch for a while longer and just let the blood run into the grass til it stopped. But then, I really hate getting the "I told you so" look.
 

Dondi

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#6
Dang if you're gonna keep doing that, might as well keep your snorking equipment reamed! I got two words for you: "neti pot" ;)
 

Dungmaggot

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#8
I'm curious how many people reading this half way through said to themselves "I am so totally going to learn to do this!" and by the time they were done said "Oh Lordie, he really is that dumb" =)
 

jamie7

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#13
Nice story - I hope you did NOT get blood on the carpet!!!

I think the reverse snork has to go on hold for a while.

I have a technique for letting smoke trickle out of my mouth and up my nose. I guess cig smokers call it a "french inhale" but I don't inhale into my lungs - just back into my mouth. I use tiny amounts of smoke and can really get that olfactory/taste benefit.

BTW you can use the same technique to check for bad breath, casually without anyone noticing, when you get good at it.
 

wowsley

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#14
Dungmaggot said:
I'm curious how many people reading this half way through said to themselves "I am so totally going to learn to do this!" and by the time they were done said "Oh Lordie, he really is that dumb" =)

That was me ... Thanks for the awesome story (or lesson, in my case :D), the magic is truly in the teller on that one :XD:
 

Philthy

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#17
I really enjoyed reading that. I don't feel like quite so...let s say unique and leave it at that.
As I was reading I thought, "Wow I think we must be related"
Then I finished reading your wife's response and I thought "I KNOW she and my wife must be related".:XD:
 

mcgoven9

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#18
I never knew that something so simple could be so dangours. I'm talking about the wife. My wife would probable say the same thing. Lets give it up for the ladies that keep our morronic selves in check. Without them we would probably die from our own stupidity.

---Smoke well, Puff happily---
 
#19
what a great story! I'll try not to "experiment" with my smoke, I think I'll stick to the stuff that doesn't lead to excessive bleeding and or a pipe up the ass.
 
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